I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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