my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
