Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
