Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
