Got a toothbrush?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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