what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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