Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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