and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize