Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
