I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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