I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
