I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
