guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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