I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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