Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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