I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
