FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
