So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
