i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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