His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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