Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
