note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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