I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
