Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
