I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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