sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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