I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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