my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
