oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
