found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
