non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Fuck me I smell like cheese
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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