I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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