it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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