It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
