True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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