he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
