We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
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Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
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We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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