Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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