We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
