so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
