Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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