he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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