You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
