There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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