By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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