last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
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all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
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Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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