how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
