note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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