Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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