whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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