you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
