I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
