saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
