Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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