saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation Purity has been aborted
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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