Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
