Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Everclear isn't food dammit
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
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