drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
